We hear a lot how “men are attracted to fertility, youth, and beauty” and women care more about “resources, maturity, and kindness.”^[1] Let’s break down what women want. 

Saying women mostly care about “provider + good guy” misses a big piece: Women care a lot about how a man feels to be around. This includes:

• Presence (are you calm or needy?)
• Confidence (quiet > performative)
• Social intelligence
• Emotional stability
• Subtle physical attractiveness (face, grooming, posture, style)

It’s less about “perfect looks” and more about overall signal.^[2]

Let’s look at it more detailed. Women need a baseline attraction, meaning you don’t have to be a model, but you can’t be totally neglected either. Next, good vibe and presence. This one is huge and underrated: where there are two guys with the same looks, the one with better presence wins almost every time. Next, lifestyle and direction: not necessarily “provider” in a traditional sense, but more like Does this guy have his life moving somewhere?. Last, character: is he kind and a “good guy”? This matters, but will only help someone if the aforementioned are in place; otherwise, it gets ignored or friend-zoned.

In practice, attraction is much more situational and interpersonal. than “stereotypes,” such as Asian women want white men. While it is true that different groups have slightly different starting biases, final attraction is decided in the interaction. Attraction isn’t fixed, it’s context-sensitive. Remember this: “some people start with different defaults, but if we connect, I win.”

If you are looking to speak with someone, be authentic. This way, you can save yourself and everyone else time. Being authentic will quickly filter out people, rather than performing and “dragging” this to the inevitable conclusion. At some point, she’ll know and you’ll know if this is working, and the more “real” you are initially, the better this will be. This does not mean to be a buffoon: have some civility, respect, and filtering to a degree with anyone, of course. You can’t just act wild. The point is just to be real. 

When you walk up to someone, don’t think “What should I say?” Think: “What am I genuinely noticing or curious about right now?” …and just say that, cleanly and calmly. That’s the lane. 

It helps to ask “open-ended” who, what, where, when, why, how questions, which will give them the chance to think creatively. Asking pointed questions can do the opposite and keep them closed off. So, ask “What brings you out tonight?” “How’s your week been?” “When do you think the world is going to end?” etc. After asking, read their energy. If they are receptive, they’ll give a real answer, with some added detail or story, not a one-word answer. If they are neutral, it’ll just be a short answer, not rude. If they are closed off, it’ll just be a one-word answer, no explanation. Ask only 1–2 questions max. If they return the ball with a question, or build on what you said, that’s shows they are receptive. If they respond but don’t ask back, they are probably neutral. If there is no curiosity at all, assume they are closed. Some green flags you can look out for: if they can “share humor” in the moment; if they share something slightly personal; they linger instead of exiting These are subtle but powerful. Think of your attention as earned, not given instantly. If they don’t throw the ball back to you, just leave. 

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^[1]      Arthur, Frank, and Man of Many. The Male Confidence Index: Tracking Shifting Masculinity Trends in the Post-Status Era. Sydney: Mi3 Research, 2026.

^[2]      Barlev, Michael. “Protection as a Primary Driver of Attraction: The Role of Intent Over Physical Strength.” Evolution and Human Behavior 46, no. 6 (December 2025): 412-428.

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This is an excerpt from Forever Improving, 4.26.26